That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
