im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
