Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
