Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
