i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
