Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
