then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
