Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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