I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
