Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
