You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
