Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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