i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
