Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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