On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
