Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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