You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
