Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
