i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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