I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
