my mouth tastes like poor choices
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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