and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
