One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
