Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
