Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
