If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
