Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
