Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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