you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
