if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
