He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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