Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
