Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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