she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
