I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
