I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
