I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
