Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
