you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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