I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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