I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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