When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
