Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
