I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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