Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
