on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
