there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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