I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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