i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
