I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
